Florida has basically given up with Corona now. Our Governor opened up the state a couple of weeks ago, cases are up, nobody gives a shit. Restaurants are filling up, Bars and Pubs are getting busy, Universal Studios is ramping back up and apart from the crippling fear I have every time I leave the house, it’s almost as if nothing has happened.
One of the things that opened up recently is the Victory Casino Cruise ship. This is some sort of World War II era ship, with the interior ripped out, replaced with some slot machines from 1987, two craps tables, 6 blackjack tables and the worst restaurant in the world. This historical relic docks at Port Canaveral, about 45 minutes away from our house and sails exactly 3 miles off the US coast where it drops anchor and sits for 5 hours in international waters, so that it can avoid all laws.
It doesn’t move the entire time, so you don’t actually go anywhere, the bathrooms are rank and usually full of vomit. Entertainment is limited to what looks like Bob Marley’s Grandfather on the steel drums playing Bryan Adams songs and (in a sweeping generalization) the people onboard look like they are only on there to pass the day before they go back to their cardboard boxes under the freeway.
With all of those things put together, you are probably not picturing a fun day, however, it is amazing!
This past weekend after God only knows how many consecutive days without going out without the kids Laura and I with another couple took the plunge and jumped in to our Uber driver Kelvin’s 2006 Toyota Highlander, with our McDonald’s cups filled with beer and Malibu and headed east to the port.
COVID-19 or not, Laura and I never get to go out together much. With no family here finding people to look after Fred and H can sometimes be tricky and adds some cost to us having regular date nights, so when we do get the chance to go out without them we take it with both hands.
One of the things I didn’t mention about the boat is that for the entire duration you are in international waters the good people at Victory give you unlimited free alcohol.
We pulled up at the port after a short journey and obviously Laura needed the bathroom. So after the very thorough temperature check and putting on our Chinese face masks (I’m sure this whole thing is just some con job from the Chinese mask manufacturers trying to pump their stock price) I raced to stand outside the ladies, a place I spend 75% of my time anytime we go anywhere. We went through airport level security and made our way on to the good ship Victory.
As you board the boat a group of people desperately trying to give a shit clap and cheer you on, making you feel like royalty. Not tier 1 royalty like Prince William and Kate, more your Princess Michael of Kent unrecognized royalty. The kind that could be a minor royal or might be a geography teacher. On you get and the fun begins.
Deck 4 or “The Dophin Deck” is where our fun begins. This is the outdoor bar, a place where masks just like inhibitions are optional. We made our way up there for a drink and to look out over the stunning views of …… a working cargo port. It was here that I noticed a man pressure washing the dockside and wondered if there was a more pointless job in existence.
Now what I was most impressed with about Deck 4 was that at 10.30am there was a woman, mid 40’s dressed in a baseball T-Shirt and Daisy Duke style jean cut offs. That in itself is not impressive, in fact it basically describes a lot of Florida women, what was impressive was at 10.30am before we had even raised anchor she couldn’t stand she was so drunk. She was so drunk that she must have started drinking before 7am. We spoke with her, she claimed she just “hadn’t got her sea legs”, we hadn’t moved yet.
After a couple of pleasant drinks, a nice little boat ride out to sea and a chat with some of the patrons the gambling tables opened. Deck 4 cleared faster than the ballroom when the Titanic went down and we were left to enjoy the dulcet sounds of Summer of 69 on the steel drums on our own.
The free drinks are inside, on the gambling floor. The second you go back inside you have to put your mask back on, the petri dish of novel coronavirus, social distancing all but a distant memory. People huddled round the craps table cramped in like an Indian train.
You don’t have to be actually gambling, but you have to at least make it look like you might. It also helps if you tip, I have learned that if you tip $5 with the first drink you don’t have to look far for the next 15. I may have occasionally frequented the odd casino during my life and the free drinks have often been weak as piss. Victory go the opposite way, 85% alcohol, 15% mixer..
This worked out great for me! Apart from the fact that it took at least 4 before I could drink them easily. Laura managed to keep it together and not get absolutely slaughtered and by 3.30pm we were back on the Dolphin Deck getting crazily sunburned sitting round a table drinking cocktails with the Orlando Gay Poker society.
Kelvin was back waiting for us outside for his off the books Uber journey and we staggered in a bit worse for wear. Somehow I managed to order $80 worth of Chick-fil-a halfway home which was waiting on the doorstep when we got back at 5.30.
After an unholy amount of chicken burger and waffle fries washed down with another Busch Lite at 7pm I was ready to keep the party going, I just needed to sit down for 5 minutes.
I woke up at 11.30 on the sofa. I’m so old…
The Shroders in Florida 