I am a big fan of technology, I think that in general my life has been greatly improved by man improving on nature or using science to better all of our lives. A couple of examples of this include the internet, something I couldn’t have lived without during lockdown and the incredible laser contraption the doctor used to weld my retina back to my eyeball. Both life changing scientific achievements for me, proof that with some dedication by people much smarter than me everyone’s life is improved.
This is particularly true when it comes to nature for me. I largely hate the “great outdoors”, and this is only compounded now I live somewhere where pretty much anything can kill you. Snakes, Gators, Sharks, it’s not quite Australia, but it’s a long way from Canvey Island, where all you need to be wary of is the gang of 14 year old’s hanging around by the lake waiting to stab you with blunt screwdrivers.
I hate no part of nature more than the beach. A very controversial opinion I am sure, but humor me for a second, and while you do, know that Laura has literally just shouted at Fred “Open your buttocks, I can’t get the sand out if you clench”
Today, we went to a lovely beach on the Atlantic coast of Florida, just a few miles south of the famous Cocoa Beach. The weather was perfect, we were with great friends everything was set for a lovely afternoon. There were some cruise ships anchored off shore and the scene could not be more picturesque. That is if you could ignore the many metric tons of seaweed dumped along the shoreline.
My first problem with the beach is the sand. Do people really like sand? Today Harriet took it upon herself to get buried up to her neck. A fun childish past time, everyone laughing and everyone having fun with Harriet. Only those people don’t have to get all the bloody sand out of her hair which is now matted like a persian rug. They won’t be there when she is screaming in agony as Laura rips the hairbrush through her tangled birds nest with the touch and finesse of the Incredible Hulk.
And what sand isn’t still in Harriet’s hair is either down her swimsuit, something she will openly tell anyone who will listen, in between Fred’s ass cheeks or in my car, where it will somehow stay for the next 9 months. Fred will do the bare minimum of showering so I am assuming sand will still be stuck up his ass when COVID is over.
The second thing is the sea. I am a massive fan of cooling off with a swim, picture me floating round like a manatee, beer in hand, Astros cap over my face, it’s a picture of summer bliss. What I don’t like is the following
a.) not being able to see more than a foot into the water
b.) having wildlife brush past me and my pasty white legs and not having a clue what it is
c.) the never ending taste and smell of salt
d.) knowing I am swimming in other peoples waste
But people don’t piss in the sea Dave, I can hear you say, lying to both me and more importantly yourself. I know they do, because I do it and also because about 2 hours ago Fred tapped me on the shoulder to tell me “Hey Dad, I am just going in to the water for a minute, I need a pee”
The next thing I hate about the beach, the blistering hot sun pounding down on you for hour after hour. There’s no shade, it’s brutal. People bring umbrellas and gazebos to cover themselves up, loading up their cars full of stuff, umbrellas sticking out the car windows, boogie boards strapped to the roof, their kids sitting in an “s” shape in the back wedged between a cooler and 6 packs of bud light. All of that stuff get’s unpacked and carried across the sand, set up, achieves the square root of fuck all, then has to be taken down and wedged back in to the car. Only when it’s put back, it’s full of sand.
We make sure that the kids have plenty of sunscreen on and constantly reapply, but until you have dragged a 7 year old out of the sea, made her reapply the 4th coat of sunscreen and then watched her roll around in the sand, her arms still sticky from the most recent application, you haven’t known true pointlessness.
So here is my solution to all of this and it is simple. Waterparks.
Orlando is home to no less than 5 world class waterparks. Places where if you want to crash around in waves you can, without the risk of a rip current taking you to Cozumel. If you want to build a sand castle, you can, and then shower off the sand after. Where if it gets too hot, you can just go into a shop or restaurant and have an ice cream or a beer. Where you do not even have to take a towel because they will give you one.
These places are also only 20 minutes from my house, not at least an hour away. My hatred of the beach is only matched by my love of the man made improved version, Typhoon Lagoon.
A very elegant solution to my problem, but like all my great ideas there is a problem. Laura doesn’t like them quite as much. I have never understood why, but over the last few years I have got to the bottom of it, mainly during our regular conversations of me moaning about going to the beach and her telling me to stop being a miserable bastard.
Laura hates waterparks because of the slides. Apparently once when she was a child she went on the slide at our local swimming pool, a place where you get a free case of legionnaires disease with every fun swim. This pool had a slide, I remember when they built it and charged a pound a go, it was incredible. Well it turns out that Laura got stuck in it once, apparently this harrowing experience put her off for life. I have some sympathy for this. A seagull once landed on my back at school, one of those massive ones, like an albatrosses big brother. Scared the shit out of me and I have literally never recovered, so I do understand childhood trauma.
The second reason is because with out fail, every time we go to a waterpark Laura has a wardrobe malfunction. Seriously more people have seen Laura’s left tit from it falling out of her bathing suit than have seen the last series of Game of Thrones. She always makes me go on the slides first for some reason, so I finish the ride, go to get out of the splash pool, turn around and every single time just get an eyeful of big white tit. Now over the last 13 years I have seen plenty of Laura’s big white left tit, but for some reason the combination of her blind panic from being on the slide and her obliviousness to her public nudity, makes these particular instances the best time to see her big white tit.
I don’t know how we are going to work this out to be honest. Florida is almost nothing but beach, so we will obviously be going again, I will obviously moan about it, my car will never be truly rid of sand. We will probably go to Typhoon Lagoon again as well, probably once a year, so the tradition of public nudity can continue. It really is a first world problem, but one I need to solve.
So while technology could improve the “beach” experience for me by basically eliminating it, not all technology is good. Harriet had her first guitar lesson today over Zoom. To say it was a shambles would be under selling it. All she wants to do is strum along and make up songs, she has no interest in learning how to play and as the first lesson was entirely how to tune the guitar I can’t imagine lesson two happening. The best part of the lesson was when after explaining for 15 minutes how to tune a guitar, the guy just said “Download this app, it will do it for you”
Technology, eliminating pointless jobs, one by one
The Shroders in Florida 