Living in America is awesome and I am very lucky that I get to do so. It was my childhood dream and even now nearly 10 years after I got onto the plane at Heathrow to move to Houston I still have to pinch myself most days that it is actually happening.
Before I moved to America though I had been loads of times to visit and in my head America was kind of the same as England, just with better weather, absolutely enormous soft drinks for 89c at the gas station and cheaper McDonalds. That actually couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes both countries speak their own version of English, yes a lot of shops are the same (damn you to hell IKEA) and yes a lot of the TV shows are the same, but there are some things that are just very different.
Recently something has caught my attention over here and I need to share it particularly with those who would have no way of ever seeing or hearing it, it also made me think of a load of other examples of something very different
One of my favorite parts of the day is my commute to and from work. Back in England I used to slog my way up to London on the bus and train, it was awful and in fact provided no end of material for my first ever blog. Everything from people using their iPads to look up reviews for prostitutes, to the never ending delays and someone starting a bee farm, there are no words that can accurately describe how much I hated that commute.
Here though I get to sit in my nicely airconditioned car, nobody bothering me listening to whatever podcast or radio show I want. My drive is 20 minutes each way, but sometimes I go the back way to drag it out a bit longer, especially in the morning, just to put off the inevitable work day a little longer. It’s a weird thing to enjoy, but enjoy it I do. It’s my time to myself where nobody is asking me questions, I am not having to try and do 13 year old’s Science homework or teach Harriet the 8 times table for the 150th time
During this 40 odd minutes a day I generally listen to different podcasts, some from back home, some American based, usually either sport or comedy in content, sometimes a mixture of the two in one and it was during one of these podcasts that I stumbled across what may be the most unintentionally funny thing I have ever heard in my 44 years on this planet.
The podcast in question was The Dan LeBatard Show. Dan LeBatard is a Miami based sports journalist who surrounds himself with a lot of funny people and it is something that has become integral to my routine since I first moved to America. It gives me just enough US Sport to be able to have conversations with other men but is funny enough to keep my interest when they get into the depths of who the Oklahoma City Thunder might be picking in the 5th round of the NBA draft.
This particular day they were speaking about a new commercial deal they had signed to advertise on their show. Usually this is a sports betting company or a car spare parts company, something really obvious for a show aimed at men aged 30-55. This deal however was something very very different.
They cut to an advert to introduce this new headline sponsorship deal and the advert started with a very upbeat jingle and then the first line…. “If it hurts when you poop sometimes”… OK I thought, my diet is 95% meat, sometimes it feels like its coming out sideways so whilst this is unexpected I am all ears.. The jingle continues
“Like pinching off a porcupine” Err what?? “wrestled out a wrecking ball” OK this has taken a turn, “pushed through a pineapple or two”. This is getting very odd, the jingle is on a ukulele and it’s this really sweet sounding woman going into graphic detail about how she can’t shit. But it gets even worse…
“Tried to pass an elephant, rolled out a watermelon, strained until you turned a shade of Oooooh!” I am color blind so I don’t know much about shades, but I fear that if you are turning a shade of Oooooh then you might have some serious issues that can’t be fixed by this sweet ladies jingle. Perhaps a trip to a trained medical professional may be in order.
Then as is the case with all America adverts about medicine, and their are a lot, a voice over comes on and explains “When pooping is painful, Doctors recommend Colace”.
Never mind Colace, if it feels like you are shitting an elephant I’d think some Bran Flakes might be in order.
American adverts are insane, truly something I can’t get my head around even still. I can’t watch anything live without the good people at Manscape coming on my TV and telling me my balls sweat and I now need ball deodorant, or the Pepto Bismal ad where a woman looks over her shoulder seductively at the camera, pats her arse and whispers “diarrhea” before walking off into the middle distance. All time great wrestling legend Ric Flair has started telling me to buy Generic Viagra for $1.29 a tablet recently, literally straight after an advert for diapers that are 100% “Poonami proof”. As a father who has had to hold a child at arms length, and climb into a shower fully closed because their child (I am not saying which one!) was coated in shit from their forehead to their hairline on the back of their head I can tell the good people at Pampers that their product is not in any way shape or form “Poonami proof”
We still get UK TV here through some service that at best is operating in a grey legal area, but when we watch something on ITV the most annoying song we hear is that one on the postcode lottery, “Someone’s knocking at my door, Someone’s ringing my bell” That is a proper ear worm. I was singing that for months until the absolute masterpiece “Pinching off a porcupine” entered my life. The looks I get at work now humming along or singing that song. Ironically it has meant that I have spent more time in trap 2 avoiding people asking me what I am singing.
And for those in the UK who can’t believe that this advert is real…. I beg you to please watch the below
The Shroders in Florida 