The Lockdown……

Like most people I know, I am not an essential worker. In fact I’m barely essential in my own home, the only time anyone in this house thinks I am essential is when they want something and typically that something is not free.

That has meant that since the beginning of March I have been working from home and this corresponded with me having an operation and being bed ridden. First off the operation. I somehow managed to detach my retina and this meant that after the pretty nasty operation to reattach it I had a gas bubble put in my eye. For the first three days I had to lay face down for 45 minutes of every single hour of those 3 days. I’ve led a sheltered life and been lucky that I’ve not ever really been stuck in bed, especially not face down. It was hell on earth.

After the first day I tried to set up some sort of mirror based solution to allow me to at least watch TV. Unless you’ve ever tried to watch TV in a mirror for 15 hours straight then you have no idea how annoying this is. So I then graduated to a mattress on the floor, my head dangling over the end, watching 1990’s WWF matches on my iPhone. After those three days there is nothing I cannot tell you now about the life and career of both The “Macho Man” Randy Savage or The Ultimate Warrior. I stand by my comments to Laura that it was time well spent.

Finally I was able to sit up and do some work, dressed in my own non work clothes and with my eye taped up I looked like some sort really shitty hobo pirate, my hair already due a cut and my old man reading glasses not fitting over my bad eye at all but the worst was over and I was able to get going.

I have worked in an office for nearly 20 years, in those 20 years I have worked from home maybe 3 times. I was always jealous of people who got to roll out of bed 15 minutes before logging on in their underwear, bashing out a few emails from their back yard, TV on in the background, no commute. Those people had the dream life to me as I was up at 5am and cramming onto a packed train or busy freeway. I am about 11 weeks in now and I’ve learnt some things,

1.) I need to redecorate this house

We bought a house in September, after 5 years living in the US (Yes it has been that long!) we finally took the plunge and bought our own home. I loved it, I was proud we managed it and we thought it was beautifully decorated. One of the main reasons we bought this particular house was because we would not need to paint anything or get anything fixed. Well I have spent 9 hours a day 5 days a week sat in one room, looking at one wall. When I log off at the end of the day I sit in the same seat in the same room every night, looking at the same wall with the TV on.

I have redecorated this house in my mind about 300 times since lockdown. It feels like I’ve lived here 10 years. I hate every color in every room now and I am colorblind. The only room I am not completely fed up with is Fred’s and that’s because the noise that comes from his room during his Fortnite battles scares the living shit out of me so I don’t go in there

2.) I have slowly grown to absolutely hate Zoom/Facetime/Teams

When you live 4,000 miles from where you grew up video conferencing is vital. It’s how we keep in touch with family, it’s how we share news, it’s how the kids Grandparents get to see them. Let’s be honest though, it’s shit isn’t it?

“Can you hear me?”, “You’re cutting out”, “You’re on mute”, “Can you turn the phone round, I can’t see you”. Video conference bingo, the game where absolutely nobody wins. Lockdown has been many peoples first experience with this. We’ve been doing it week in week out for FIVE YEARS! It’s got old for the rest of you in 10 weeks. We do our calls back home on a Sunday, or as I like to call it technology groundhog day. Approximately 500 times we have made these calls home, you would think we would be over the technology teething problems by now.

Also, I’m gonna call it here. I’ve done a lot of virtual happy hours, quizzes, drinks etc. They are a means to an end. At first I was all in, lets do it it will be fun I thought, and it was. We’ve been able to go outside for 5 weeks now, why are we still doing it?? I can now go to the pub. Have a shower, get changed into something other than shorts and flip flops, go to a social gathering and have a drink. Why am I sitting on my couch, drinking 15 cans of Busch Lite with 10 other people staring at their screen talking over each other? In the UK the smoking ban was the death of the pub, virtual drinks are not compounding that death. Not one human ever by choice said “Let’s all sit in our own houses and drink our own drinks and pretend it’s the best thing ever”

3.) Boredom is the biggest killer

In Florida we had distance learning, the kids at home on laptops on yet another Zoom call, doing show and tell or long division or some other activity where the poor teacher is having my problems from the last point magnified 100 times. So fairly regularly, I would be in the office working away, Fred would be diligently working out some 4 digit multiplication question and Harriet would be showing her class her new guitar. Everyone of us busy in our own way…….. Except Laura.

Laura has the boredom threshold of someone with ADHD on ecstasy. During this 2 hour window she literally just paced from room to room, appearing on all of our calls. I was asked 9 times in two hours if I wanted a tea. I actually had 3. She asked me one time 3 minutes after dropping one off.

I’m no better. During the 6th week of lockdown I hadn’t left the neighborhood for the entire time. I had had no face to face interaction with anybody other than my family. I needed to get out of the house. I was so bored I booked a Coronavirus test, despite having no symptoms and no possible way I could have caught it, just so I could see some different people. It was really uncomfortable, I didn’t even leave the car and I had literally zero conversation with anyone during the whole process. I maintain it was a good use of my time.

4.) I probably drink just a little too much

I’m gonna put this out there, probably oversharing but who cares. I do not drink alcohol to “just have a couple”. I don’t understand people who get home from work poor a glass of wine and that’s it. I really do not get it. I love beer, but even I am not going to say it is the greatest tasting drink on earth because if it was, then I would drink non alcoholic beer all day.

I drink to get drunk. I am also a larger man and have been blessed with an ability to drink beyond the majority of people. Not everyone, I am not Andre the Giant (second WWF reference in one post) but quite a lot

So when I sit down and crack open a delicious, refreshing Busch Lite I am making a commitment. I am not having one, or two, or three, I am having at least 12. This is why generally I don’t drink at home. I am your stereotypical UK binge drinker. Monday through Thursday sober as a judge. Friday through Sunday, all bets are off.

Only during the lockdown, it’s slipped a little. 24 cans cost $14, they sell them at the gas (petrol) station. Every 3 days I am buying 24 cans. I am not drinking every day. Thursday is the new Friday in my house. A few beers and some guy DJing from his garage on You Tube, by 10.30 I’m hammered and fighting my way through beer cans and empty solo cups. It’s like a frat house.

5.) Time is a completely made up constraint

I think it’s Wednesday, someone told me it was June, but if I am honest it could be any day of any month. I’m still indoors, despite being able to go wherever the hell I want. I’m still sat here in shorts and t-shirt. I did manage to shower this morning, although I can’t swear I have managed that every single day. I know it was Monday recently because Laura did curry, we have had curry on Monday since 2009.

Curry night is the only way I am able to judge time right now. It’s the only constant. If I am eating curry it is definitely Monday, outside of that I really don’t know.

I’m thinking about going to the pub tonight because it feels like Friday, but something tells me it’s not.

All in all the lockdown has been decent, there have been more good times than bad and I’ve seen lots of Harriet. I’ve not seen Fred, I’ve lost him to the world of Xbox now. We are lucky to live somewhere where the kids can jump in our redneck overground pool every day and I can get Chick-fil-a delivered 6 days a week. That being said, I’ve had enough. There hasn’t been a case of COVID in our zip code for 6 weeks, I want to go out. I think I actually miss working in an office……

So on a different note, I haven’t blogged for a long time. 2 years. I am looking to do it differently this time. Harriet wants a You Tube channel, so we are going to film stuff. Just when we go places that might be fun. I will post the links here and share it all around. We can’t get a proper web address until we hit 100 subscribers and I can’t believe 100 people want to watch Laura scream at the kids running round Universal Studios.

Stay safe everyone!